This is a common lament frequently heard from wounded partners that are in treatment for cyber infidelity. While it appears simply as a distrust of the partner, it is more profoundly a lost trust of self. In life, we so often benefit from the ability to trust our gut instinct. It is essentially the ability to know without knowing, to feel confident in a decision, action or person beyond the facts of the situation. Choices made consistent with our gut feeling typically lead to feelings of comfort, peace and confidence. When we have been betrayed by the person that we trust the most, beyond the obvious emotional effects of hurt and anger, there is shock. We are shocked in part because the broken trust feels like our gut instinct has betrayed us. The earth feels shaky under our feet. We lose confidence in our own judgment. We can become indecisive, equivocating between choices. Even our sense of reality can be shaken. We wonder, “ How will I ever know what I think I know and feel to be true?”
The way forward involves patience, cooperation and collaboration. Not only is it okay to check the unfaithful partners devices, but it is actually necessary. The unfaithful partner must make it okay. Complete transparency is needed. There must be no resentment, but rather cooperation. It is best for the unfaithful partner to voluntarily initiate the offer to check the phone and electric devices at anytime without resentment. In time, as progress is made the desire to check naturally and gradually subsides. The collaborative effort toward building a new model of trust proceeds. The wounded partner slowly regains confidence in their gut instinct informed by new positive and reaffirming experience. The stage is set for building evidence-based trust in the partner. This gradually develops over time. The cyber sex police leave the scene.