John
- Referred by his therapist
- The perfect power couple
- Cyber infidelity over a six year period
- A text discovered by daughter (age 19)
- Together since 1984- 2 kids- son (16) and daughter (19)
- History of medically managed bipolar disorder
- Shame and guilt
- Presented as a customer
Mary
- Emotionally devastated by the lies
- “I would have done anything he wanted”
- History of broken trust- parents, past relationships
- Bad relationship with father- went for the wrong guys
- Had successful individual treatment
- High degree of self-discipline and control
- Shattered reality
- Done in her absence and her presence!
- Dire need to know “why?”
- Serious doubts about chances of recovery
Why
- Need to be found attractive by women
- Sense of inferiority
- Sex life “lacking”-cause or result?
- Tends to show off
Mary
- Strong need to preserve the perfect image
- Shattered reality- how do I know what I think I know?
- Discovered sexting on her birthday
- Business and family on the line
- “Why wasn’t I enough for him?”
- “How can I ever be safe?”
Treatment
- Treatment as a process
- Recognition of his efforts
- Taught importance of tolerance of her emotional process
- Grieving the lost relationship- death of the perfect relationship
- Loss of heaven
- End of a blind faith trust
- New model of trust: evidence based trust
- Collaborative reassurance and a limited use of technology
- Elimination of secrecy and restriction of privacy
- Support and tolerance for anger and emotional dysregulation
- How much to share of the gory details?
- Coping with triggers
- The difference that makes a difference – new behaviors
- Acceptance of distance
- Gradual increase of affection and growing intimacy
- Dealing with triggers:
-trips
-friends
-daughter had similar betrayal - Radical change in the use of iPhone and social media
- Back in bed
- Great sex
- Kissing
- Relapse prevention/speed bumps