John

  • Referred by his therapist
  • The perfect power couple
  • Cyber infidelity over a six year period
  • A text discovered by daughter (age 19)
  • Together since 1984- 2 kids- son (16) and daughter (19)
  • History of medically managed bipolar disorder
  • Shame and guilt
  • Presented as a customer

Mary

  • Emotionally devastated by the lies
  • “I would have done anything he wanted”
  • History of broken trust- parents, past relationships
  • Bad relationship with father- went for the wrong guys
  • Had successful individual treatment
  • High degree of self-discipline and control
  • Shattered reality
  • Done in her absence and her presence!
  • Dire need to know “why?”
  • Serious doubts about chances of recovery

Why

  • Need to be found attractive by women
  • Sense of inferiority
  • Sex life “lacking”-cause or result?
  • Tends to show off

Mary

  • Strong need to preserve the perfect image
  • Shattered reality- how do I know what I think I know?
  • Discovered sexting on her birthday
  • Business and family on the line
  • “Why wasn’t I enough for him?”
  • “How can I ever be safe?”

Treatment

  • Treatment as a process
  • Recognition of his efforts
  • Taught importance of tolerance of her emotional process
  • Grieving the lost relationship- death of the perfect relationship
  • Loss of heaven
  • End of a blind faith trust
  • New model of trust: evidence based trust
  • Collaborative reassurance and a limited use of technology
  • Elimination of secrecy and restriction of privacy
  • Support and tolerance for anger and emotional dysregulation
  • How much to share of the gory details?
  • Coping with triggers
  • The difference that makes a difference – new behaviors
  • Acceptance of distance
  • Gradual increase of affection and growing intimacy
  • Dealing with triggers:
    -trips
    -friends
    -daughter had similar betrayal
  • Radical change in the use of iPhone and social media
  • Back in bed
  • Great sex
  • Kissing
  • Relapse prevention/speed bumps