Cheating / Lying
Trust forms the foundation of any healthy relationship, and when it is broken through cheating or lying, the emotional impact can be devastating. Whether you’re grappling with feelings of betrayal, navigating the aftermath of infidelity, or trying to rebuild trust after deceit, it’s important to address these challenges with compassion and guidance. At Kanaris Psychological Services, we understand how deeply these issues can affect individuals and couples.
Our experienced therapists specialize in helping clients explore the root causes of cheating and lying, manage the emotional fallout, and develop strategies for healing and rebuilding trust. With a safe, nonjudgmental space to process your emotions, we’ll work with you to foster understanding, improve communication, and strengthen your relationships.
If you or your partner are struggling with the consequences of cheating or lying, Kanaris Psychological Services is here to help you move forward with clarity and resilience. Reach out today to take the first step toward healing.
Infidelity in the Digital Age: Common Misconceptions
1. It must be a bad marriage/relationship.While it is true that in some instances cyber infidelity is a result of a problem in a relationship or within an individual, it is often the case that it occurs in a good and fully functioning relationship. The intrusive and sometimes insidious nature of our technologies from the smart phone to social media can create a crisis in a relationship where otherwise none would exist.
2. It is impossible to overcome the trauma that results from cyber infidelity.There is no doubt that cyber infidelity and overcoming it’s trauma can be a daunting task. There is also trauma, however, to ending a relationship or marriage. So much is on the line. Feelings, finances, family and friendships can be profoundly affected. Many people choose to take the challenge of working to save their relationship. With the right help, that is exactly what people are successfully doing. Incredibly, the process of recovery from cyber infidelity often becomes an unwanted opportunity that leads to an improved relationship.
3. Wounded partners fear that they would “feel like a fool” to take the chance of working on the relationship and risk being betrayed again.Sometimes well-meaning friends and family discourage the wounded partner from taking a second chance. This can increase already established internal pressure that builds fear. This is where Dr. Kanaris’ model for the treatment of Cyber infidelity that emphasizes evidence-based trust building over blind faith is so helpful in slowly rebuilding a basis for trust and gradually moving forward with confidence. Recovery becomes a collaboration that includes the couple and the therapist.
4. “Once a cheater always a cheater.”This is again a difference between traditional infidelity and cyber infidelity. Traditional infidelity has typically involved concerted effort on the part of the unfaithful individual to seek out places, opportunities, and individuals with whom to cheat. While it can happen passively, more commonly it is a result of intention and direct effort. With cyber infidelity advances usually come to the individual easily and insidiously through social media platforms. Similarly, the carrying out of the affair through text, sexting and other electronic means happens easily and secretively without having to leave the home and physically go to a hideaway or rendezvous. The spouse can be sitting a few feet away while the cyber affair is actively in progress. Without the technology many people that cheat otherwise would not.
5. The wounded partner can never recover and will always be “damaged goods.”It is true that the wound from cyber infidelity can be deep. A person’s self-esteem, self image, body image, sense of well-being and personal worth can all be profoundly affected by the trauma of cyber infidelity. Commonly, the wounded partner believes deep down that somehow it is her inadequacy that led to the cyber infidelity. “If only I was good enough it wouldn’t have happened,” is a common refrain. Self blame, rage, anxiety, insomnia, loss of appetite and depression often result. Properly informed therapeutic support is essential in working through these feelings and coming to understand that cyber infidelity often occurs having little or nothing to do with any inadequacy of the wounded partner. In time and with the proper treatment people are able to recover their confidence and restore their self-esteem.
7. “Cyberaffairs are not cheating because there is no in person sex.”This is another rationalization that attempts to minimize the offense and evade responsibility. The intimacy of a relationship is made up of more than sex. Closeness, sharing personal feelings and ideas and maintaining a clandestine or secret relationship does not have to involve sexual relations in order to violate the bond of trust that is now broken in the primary love relationship.
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Exploring Sexual Behavior in the Digital Age: Dr. Kanaris on LiveJasmin, Boundaries & Self-Acceptance
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Mechanisms that Support Infidelity in the Digital Age
The Internet, social media, and the smart phone have been the three key developments that have led to cyber infidelity. Today the smart phone is ubiquitous. It has become rare to see an adult, teenager, or even a child without a smart phone or tablet in hand. The acronym AAAP is an easy way to remember the key elements of what makes the smart phone the primary device that supports cyber infidelity.
- A. Accessibility
- A. Affordability
- A. Anonymity
- P. Portability
Today people have easy access to online pornography. Social media provides the opportunity to connect with people that we might otherwise never meet. Various types of smart phones have become more affordable to many people. Use of the Internet provides an opportunity to remain anonymous or disguise identity. Finally, the smart phone has added the feature of portability. It fits in your pocket and can go anywhere. Taken in combination these factors have contributed to and in fact created the new category of infidelity which we call cyber infidelity.
How is Infidelity in the Digital Age Different from Infidelity?
Isn’t all infidelity the same? While there are some aspects that are similar between cyber infidelity and infidelity, such as broken trust, there are some important differences. Infidelity commonly takes place outside of the home. The initial meeting and subsequent contacts are in person and face-to-face. The initial meeting might be in the workplace, a gym or a bar. Follow up contacts may be by phone culminating in face-to-face contact in person.
Cyber infidelity is different in that the initial meeting often occurs in the home. Through the use of the computer, laptop, tablet, or smart phone the person is often solicited via website e-mail or social media to begin a cyber affair. The spouse or significant other may be sitting just a few feet away while the cyber affair is initiated and maintained via texting, sexting or chat. The cyber affair is often maintained in this manner without the necessity of a face to face meeting or direct physical contact. Sometimes this contributes to the denial of the offending partner believing that a cyber affair is not actually an affair because in person sex never occurred. This self deception assuages guilt and may contribute to the ongoing participation in multiple cyber affairs.
A useful analogy is to that of bullying. Before the age of the internet, social media and the smart phone, a child would actually have to go to school in order to experience bullying in the schoolyard or the cafeteria. Today, children are terrorized in their own homes through these technological methods. Similarly, today an individual never has to leave the home in order to cheat on a partner. Cyber technology has benefited a great many people. Many wonderful relationships have begun and are maintained through the use of this technology. We must also recognize the drawbacks and liabilities. New models of treatment are needed to address the dark side that this technology poses to relationships.
Sexual Addiction or Out of Control Sexual Behavior?
It is very common that the person presenting at the office of a psychologist or a sex therapist that has engaged in cyber infidelity has already been labeled as a sex addict. The label may have come from the wounded partner, internet searches, or television. It has become a self label. The person is typically desperate and on the verge of losing a marriage or significant relationship. Anxiety is high, sometimes accompanied by depression. Because the person’s behavior has been destructive and has felt out of control he or she assumes that he or she is a sexual addict. The label sexual addict creates shame and is sometimes used as a synonym for pervert or degenerate. These labels tend to be destructive and damaging psychologically to the individual and ultimately to the relationship that is trying to survive.
By recognizing the behavior that led to and maintained the cyber infidelity as out of control sexual behavior the individual is not pathologized or labeled in a negative and self condemning way. Instead of being shamed the person is empowered to recognize that sexual behavior is a choice. Choosing wellness and healthy sexual behaviors that are self-determined becomes the goal. By working collaboratively in treatment a personal guide to sexual behavior based on the preferences and choices of the individual is constructed. Both risk factors and protective factors are identified as part of the treatment plan. Risk factors are avoided and protective factors are enhanced. The resulting empowerment creates hope and confidence.
Cyber Infidelity with Dr. Peter Kanaris
Better Sex Podcast
Infidelity in the Digital Age
See Dr. Kanaris’ interview, Infidelity in the Digital Age
TribunaTV is generally geared to Spanish and Bilingual subscribers. The opening of the program is in Spanish. Stay with it as the program is in English.
The recording for the TV Show Thursday, July 25, 2019, Infidelity in the Digital Age, featuring Dr. Peter Kanaris, an expert in the treatment of infidelity and out of control sexual behaviors as my guest is now available. There was a lot of discussion and review of concepts, statistics, treatment-related issues, and recommendations to improve intimacy. Eight slides were displayed and are available for review and printing.
Dr. Kanaris proved to be a wonderful guest whose knowledge in this area as an expert was apparent throughout the show, as was his generosity in sharing the wealth of information available on his website.
Roy Aranda, Psy.D., J.D.
The Two Faces of Trauma in Infidelity in the Digital Age: Trauma of the Unfaithful Partner/Spouse
While it seems intuitive and easy to understand how the trauma of cyber infidelity impacts the aggrieved partner/spouse, It may not seem as obvious that trauma can have a role in affecting the unfaithful partner. Some people that engage in cyber infidelity have experienced relational or sexual trauma early in life. Experiences of loss or abandonment in childhood may be a root cause of the behaviors. Efforts to compensate for perceived inadequacy and insecure early attachment to caregivers can lead to repeated efforts to try to connect, to be understood, and to be loved. Sometimes, early experience and exposure to adult sexual behaviors can cause overstimulation that eventually fuels online sexual activity and cyber infidelity. The person may have no awareness of the psychological dynamics that are motivating or driving the behaviors of infidelity.
Understanding and breaking the pattern of this trauma-based Out of Control Sexual Behavior often requires expert psychological treatment. The expertise of a psychologist trained in sex therapy and experienced in the treatment of Out of Control Sexual Behavior as it relates to cyber infidelity can provide help and hope in successfully addressing the trauma that may underlie the problem.
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Experts have slammed America’s obsession with incest porn, as data suggests inter-family-themed videos are becoming one of the most popular genres of adult material.
The country’s largest pornographic website revealed that in 2023, videos that included step-relatives or MILFs — a vulgar slang word for a mother one finds sexually attractive — were among its most popular search terms.
Meanwhile, an analysis of porn habits by the Danish sex toy company BedBible said half of videos uploaded to porn websites were now incestuous.
How often should you really be masturbating? Doctors give their verdict | Daily Mail Online
Masturbation is still very much a taboo topic — so it can be tricky to work out whether you’re doing it too much or too little.
In recent years, there has been an idea that access to pornography has led to too much masturbation, causing a wave of sexual problems and warped views of sex.
But DailyMail.com reported on a study last week which suggested abstaining from pleasuring yourself is also bad — and could raise the risk of anxiety, depression and erectile dysfunction.
Cheating in the Digital Age
The digital revolution of the past 25 years has brought us countless new ways to communicate, but with them have come myriad ways to be unfaithful to our romantic partners. This relatively new ability—to instantaneously communicate visual, intimate, and sexual expressions across any distance—has made it difficult to determine when a partner’s actions have crossed the line into infidelity. To get more clarity, I spoke with a colleague, Dr. Peter Kanaris—a couples’ therapist and expert in sexual functioning—about a recent article in which he discussed the struggles and common misconceptions around cyber infidelity.
Bipolar Disorder & Sex Addiction: Could You Have a Problem?
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Excessive masturbation. Interaction with Internet porn. Sleeping with multiple partners. Indulging in one-night stands. Reckless and even illegal behaviors related to sex, drugs, or gambling.
When such sexual behaviors become compulsive, impulsive or problematic, interfering with work and relationships and preventing people from pursuing normal activities, they may signal hypersexuality, also known as compulsive sexual behavior disorder or sexual addiction.
And for some people, this out-of-control sexual behavior may also be a sign of an underlying mental health condition, such as bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder where people experience a fluctuation of manic and depressive moods.
8 Signs You’re In a Healthy Relationship
So you just had a big argument with your partner. Maybe it got heated, maybe you said some things that you regret or maybe your feelings got hurt by something that was said. Either way, you’re left shaken and wondering if this means your relationship is unhealthy?
The truth is healthy relationships are not all romantic walks on the beach, fun dinner dates, and great sex. And they seldom look anything like the idealized versions we see in movies or on influencers’ social media feeds.
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