Sexual Intimacy Problems
Sexual intimacy plays a crucial role in maintaining strong, healthy relationships, but it’s not uncommon for individuals or couples to encounter difficulties that can affect their emotional and physical bonds. At Kanaris Psychological Services, led by Dr. Kanaris, we understand how sensitive and complex these challenges can be. Whether you are facing issues related to desire, performance, emotional disconnect, or communication barriers, we are here to offer guidance and support.
Our practice takes a holistic and compassionate approach, focusing on understanding the underlying causes of sexual intimacy problems, whether they are rooted in psychological, emotional, or physiological factors. By providing a safe and non-judgmental environment, Dr. Kanaris helps clients explore these issues openly, empowering them to improve their communication, resolve conflicts, and rebuild intimacy. We believe that with the right support, individuals and couples can restore their connection and enjoy a more satisfying and fulfilling relationship.
Helpful Videos
Sex Secrets That Will Change Your Life! Part 1
Exploring Sexual Behavior in the Digital Age: Dr. Kanaris on LiveJasmin, Boundaries & Self-Acceptance
Cyber Infidelity’s Impact on Relationships and Erections
Caught in the web: coping with harmful online behavior
Out Of Control Sexual Behavior | Sex Talk with the Siegel Brothers
5 Principles for Healthy Smart Phone Usage
These five principles should be considered a starting point for the successful cooperative and collaborative management of smart phone utilization in the service of protecting relationships from the harmful effects of overuse. For further explanation of the harm that can be done to relationships from overinvolvement with the smart phone please see the essay, A Love Letter. Please understand that these principles should not be thought of as all inclusive, but merely the basic ideas that partners can use to further personalize Smart phone management to tailor a fit to address the needs of their specific relationship.
Ask your partner not yourself
A vital principle of successful smart phone management is not to exclusively rely upon what we feel and believe. It is essential that we ask our partner their feelings and perceptions about our smart phone utilization. While we may not completely agree, this serves as the basis for a constructive discussion about how our partners are being affected by our smart phone use. In the discussion, it is critical to listen non-defensively, fully taking it in and thoughtfully considering our partners opinions and feelings. Their impressions can be incorporated into any decisions to adjust smart phone involvement. An example would be time spent involved with social media. Getting feedback toward developing personal guidelines for behavior and choices on social media can be helpful.
Keep score
A common phenomenon of human psychology that we have observed is that perception and judgment of experience are highly subjective. Therefore, using facts, statistics and objective data to further inform our understanding is often helpful. One famous example is in weight management. We are sometimes asked to weigh, measure and calculate what we are eating, because our subjective judgment often is an underestimate. Similarly, using data to improve our self assessments in smartphone management can be a great help. Most smart phones such as the iPhone provide information on time and subject utilization. This can be found by going to the utilities function. In fact, weekly reports on your phone usage can come to you in the form of an alert. The information that you receive can allow you to make an informed decision on any necessary or useful adjustments in total time spent on your phone or on particular areas such as work or social media. Reviewing this information on a weekly basis can help you to stay on top of your involvement with the device.
Regularly checking in with each other
Just as you keep track on a regular basis of your smart phone use, it is just as important to check in with your partner’s feelings and perceptions. Asking your partner for feedback is not in the form of a single grand gesture, but rather an ongoing process that allows the cooperative and collaborative regulation of phone use. It is not asking for permission, but rather encouraging and inviting feedback. It is a two way discussion where each partner‘s phone use is considered and evaluated. This approach respects the power and influence that technology has over our lives and our relationships. It is not accusatory. It should not invite defensiveness. It is a team approach to an ever growing threat. It is the recognition that we must band together to minimize the menace that technology poses while we continue to enjoy the benefits that technology provides. It acknowledges the problem that modern relationships will continue to face. It prioritizes the relationship over the device.
Build in time together
The functions of smart phones have been developed by very clever people with the primary purpose of stealing your attention and monopolizing it as much as possible. Algorithms have been developed and are constantly being improved to achieve this purpose. It grabs our eyeballs and keeps them glued to a screen. Any casino slot machine would be jealous of the power of our smart phones to grab and sustain our attention. If we are focused on that screen we will not be focused on our partner. Relational attention is lost often at great expense to our relationship. This along with the other normal demands of life frequently make it difficult for naturally occurring time together to happen. Therefore, it is important to schedule events, activities and leisure time to be together, not just taking care of business, kids, paying bills, visiting family, or problem-solving. Those collaborations are all necessary, but do not provide the level of relational reinforcement needed to sustain a loving relationship. We also have to be able to have fun together in a relaxed manner. We must talk about it. We must plan it. We must even schedule it. Waiting for it to naturally occur may mean waiting forever and longer than many relationships can afford.
Monitor and nurture intimacy
Over time in a long-term relationship it is common that intimacy and sexuality begin to wane. I am frequently using the expression with clients that, “life conspires against sex.“ This means that the pressures and demands of a life well lived get in the way. All of the responsibilities that we face stress, illness, medications, family demands, financial demands, work demands and now our screens get in the way. Often there is little time, energy, strength, or attentional capacity left to be able to focus on sex and maintaining rewarding intimacy or what I call sexual wellness. These factors make it near impossible for partners not to drift from each other over time. This can leave us with high stress and feelings of resentment that lead to a growing alienation. Our screens, however still have our devotion. This state of affairs makes it important for there to be regular intimacy. Just as when to go to work, paying the bills on time, and taking Junior to the soccer game are scheduled and demand our time so must sex. Developing a regular routine of getting together perhaps on a certain day at a certain time becomes a wedge against insidious relational drift. Some will say, “ Gee that’s not spontaneous.” Understand, there of course is no prohibition against spontaneous sex. However, waiting for it and relying solely upon it is often a recipe for relational disaster.
To re-iterate the principles listed above are a basic foundation for the successful relational management of screen time and smart phone devices. Please consider using them as a point of departure for discussion, refinement and developing your own relational principles for the successful management of smart phones. The key will be teamwork and utilizing the concepts of cooperation and collaboration. Do not underestimate the challenge or the threat. Act as if the future depends on it.
A love letter
It seems like you were always there. I think back to when you first came into my life. Life moved slowly. Things moved in a sequence from one thing to another.
Then when I saw your face it lifted my heart. It was love at first sight. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. And at the risk of immodesty, I saw you light up as well.
Meeting you energized my life. It opened up new vistas. Your worldliness took me to new places. Your intelligence taught me things that I never dreamed of knowing. The music coming out of you made me want to dance on air.
The excitement that you brought into my life moved me from plodding along doing one thing at a time to seemingly being able to do 1000 things in the same instant.
Mundane tasks like shopping, cooking, and even organizing my day are somehow so much better when you’re near me.
I have so much fun just playing games with you that hours can pass as if they were minutes.
When you’re with me, even watching a baseball game seems to go fast.
When you wake me in the morning I immediately look at your face and feel like I know what I have to do.
When I hold you, at times my heart races, at other times I just feel a calm that all is well in my life.
You have become my portal to a universe of sexual experience I never thought that I could know. When I hold you I am in ecstasy. You never turn down a new possibility. You thrill me to my soul.
Some have commented that I am obsessed with you. Well if I am so be it. Through green eyes they reveal their jealousy of the perfection of our love. As time goes on and I grow older you only seem to refresh yourself and reinvent a version of yourself that’s even better than the last. You are ageless. Our love is ageless. I would be lost without you sweetheart. Just being with you I know that I will be guided on the path ahead and safely find my way.
If I should ever lose you, I would surely be lost.
You are my true love.
I love you my dear IPhone.
Hey Siri, BTW, what would you think about a three-way with Alexa?
Siri’s actual response:… “I don’t have an answer for that. Is there something else I can help with?”
iFidelity
Among the issues that have served as a challenge to sustaining long-term relationships, infidelity has been at the top of the list. Infidelity is traditionally defined as the action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or other sexual partner. I refer to this as 20th century style infidelity. Not surprisingly, in the year 2000 psychologist Kimberly Young defined cyber infidelity as an encounter initiated through online contact and sustained by communication such as email or online chat (Young, 2000) This may involve anything from discussing personal or intimate information with an online contact to cybersex. In some instances it leads to in person liaisons and sexual involvement. I refer to this as Infidelity in the Digital Age or 21st-century infidelity.
In the course of my work with couples during this 21st-century I have observed a modern phenomenon that occurs far more commonly and insidiously than cyber infidelity. I refer to the love affair that we have with our smart phones. I call this phenomenon iFidelity. iFidelity is defined as the intense involvement with technology and particularly the smart phone that leads to a withdrawal of attention from our partners that damages relational connection.
The smart phone and its multitude of functions has become a ubiquitous presence in our lives. I euphemistically refer to it as the 11th digit due to its near constant presence in our hands. It goes with us everywhere and is with us almost always. The algorithms that direct its utility demand our attention as much or more as slot machines in a casino. It is the portal through which we manage so much of our work and personal lives. We do business through it. We pay our bills through it. We give and receive money through it. We communicate with others instantly through it. We find and communicate with long lost friends and relatives. We manage our health with it. We make medical decisions with it. It keeps us safe and lets us know if danger lurks at the front door. It keeps us on schedule and reminds us what we have to do. We learn about our ancestry through it. It entertains us. It brings us music and videos. We play games with it. It literally tells us how to get around. We stay up-to-date with news, sports, politics, and weather. The libraries of the world are available and always open. We can expand our knowledge and learn about any topic. It helps us to speak and understand foreign languages. There is no word that we cannot define or understand. We more easily teach our children what they need to learn. It connects us to the universe.
Our deep emotional connection to it is reflected by the anxiety that we feel if we are away from it. We feel out of touch. We are disconnected. And should the separation last any length of time, upon our reunion we are punished by a million emails. It’s a reminder “don’t go away from me again.” And of course, for many it is a sexual partner. It connects us to fantasies that we’ve had or have not yet imagined. We can bypass any sexual insecurities or dysfunctions without fear of rejection. We can explore sexual interests that might differ from the partner’s interests or worse be criticized.
Who Needs humans anyway? I got Siri.
So I must ask you, what human relationship can compete with our love of Siri and its counterparts? If your answer is “mine“ you may mean it sincerely. But, I encourage you to become more aware of your behavior and ask your partner if she or he would agree. In so many relationships the problems that people are having unbeknownst to them are arguments, conflicts and differences that have been insidiously exacerbated by our intense and excessive involvement with our smart phones.
What’s a poor human to do?
Like so many solutions, it starts with an awareness and a recognition of the problem. We can no longer afford to enter relationships with the naïve belief that our obsessive and compulsive involvement with our smart phones and related technologies will not deleteriously impact the connection to our partner. The withdrawal of attention from our partner leads to a multitasking path to relational problems, emotional upsets, conflict and alienation. The resulting damage to the relational connection can be devastating and potentially fatal to the relationship.
We can no longer afford to go forward naïvely into our technological world. We cannot expect to immerse ourselves daily in our technologies and think that our relationships will just merrily roll along on automatic pilot. Early in a relationship without accusation, defensiveness, or rancor we must introduce and have ongoing conversations about technology management. Relational rules for the road, if you will, are needed regarding how a couple can work together to enjoy and take advantage of technology while minimizing the ever present potential menace that it poses to our relationships.
We have to make it acceptable and non-criticality be able to alert each other when we are feeling neglected and when it feels like the partner is getting lost in the phone. We need to have regular check- ins and assessments of how our technology management is going. No -Tech spaces and times can be negotiated and established to foster connection, conversation and even intimacy. We have to be able to discuss any technology usage that feels threatening like connecting with an ex-lover on social media or sharing personal and intimate information about the relationship with an Internet friend. There are many other examples that require open and honest discussion in a cooperative and collaborative manner. Discussion of online sexual behavior is important. What feels comfortable and what doesn’t can be discussed without judgment or conflict. Again, this is not some sort of one time big talk, but rather an ongoing conversation. This is no different than the importance of regular communication regarding other important topics such as money management or parenting. Couples need to maintain a dialogue about the use of technology and understand that it is essential to maintaining the health and well-being of their relationship. And together, we’re going to have to work hard to keep Siri in it’s place. I’ve heard that it is a jealous lover and will continue to try to capture you all for itself.
Couples may erroneously assume that their relationship is dysfunctional. In reality, it is more likely that the “normal“ involvement with technology is creating relational stress and conflict. This can ultimately lead to alienation and even the ending of the relationship. In the article, Five Principles, I discuss ideas for how couples can cope together with the great challenge that technology poses to relationships.
Reference:
Young, K. S., Griffin-Shelley, E., Cooper, A,. O’Mara, J & Buchanan, J. (2000) ‘Online infidelity: A new dimension in couple relationships with implications’ for evaluation and treatment’ Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity , 7, 59-74
Helpful Articles
Four doctors give their verdict on how often people should be having sex — for couples AND singletons
With Valentine’s Day now upon us, experts have revealed how often people should have sex to optimize their health.
DailyMail.com spoke to four medical professionals who said that couples should aim to have sex at least once or twice a week — but they added there is no harm in having it even more often.
There was less of a consensus among the experts regarding singletons, who may have to sacrifice friendships or their careers in pursuit of so much sex.
Cheating in the Digital Age
The digital revolution of the past 25 years has brought us countless new ways to communicate, but with them have come myriad ways to be unfaithful to our romantic partners. This relatively new ability—to instantaneously communicate visual, intimate, and sexual expressions across any distance—has made it difficult to determine when a partner’s actions have crossed the line into infidelity. To get more clarity, I spoke with a colleague, Dr. Peter Kanaris—a couples’ therapist and expert in sexual functioning—about a recent article in which he discussed the struggles and common misconceptions around cyber infidelity.
8 Signs You’re In a Healthy Relationship
So you just had a big argument with your partner. Maybe it got heated, maybe you said some things that you regret or maybe your feelings got hurt by something that was said. Either way, you’re left shaken and wondering if this means your relationship is unhealthy?
The truth is healthy relationships are not all romantic walks on the beach, fun dinner dates, and great sex. And they seldom look anything like the idealized versions we see in movies or on influencers’ social media feeds.
Navigating Changes and Challenges
Quarantining Has Changed My Long-Term Relationship—But Are the Changes Long-Term?
My husband and I made it about a month into quarantine before having a blowout argument, complete with door-slamming, cruel comments, and no apologies made for several hours. It shouldn’t have happened that way, though, considering that the whole thing started over something relatively trivial: whose turn it was to cook.
Living to 100 Club – May 15th 2020: Aging, Sexuality, and Infidelity in the Digital Age
Our next episode of the Living to 100 Club radio program explores aging and sexuality. Our guest is Dr. Peter Kanaris, a clinical psychologist with a specialty in sexuality and mental health. We will discuss the favorable and unfavorable changes in sexual activity in seniors, such as physical, psychological, and relationship benefits and the challenges that occur with advancing age, challenges from things like illness, medications, loss of partners, and now the COVID-19 virus. Also explored is the proliferation of sexual addictions and pornography, the difficulties in recovery, and re-establis
How much sex should couples have? Here’s what experts say
No matter your relationship status, sex remains a complicated — and often touchy — subject. Although no one wants to admit it, people across all demographics are spending less time in the sack.
For couples who live together, married couples, and older people in general, the decline in how much sex they have is even more staggering, per a 2019 study of British adults and teens.
But how much sex should couples really be having? Research has shown that couples who have sex at least once a week are happier than their less-bedded counterparts. (A caveat: Happiness levels don’t rise with more time spent under the sheets.)
Everything You Need To Know About Having Sex On The First Date
Let’s get one thing straight right now: If you want to have sex on the first date, you have every right to finish your pinot and do the d*mn thing.
Unless you’ve made the personal choice to hold out until you a hit a specific dating milestone (maybe you’ve heard of the Three-Date Rule? **rolls eyes**) for your own reasons, you’re under no obligation to keep your sexuality on lockdown. That should go without saying, but many women these days refrain from first-date sex to avoid being “tainted.” It’s an awful word and promotes an antiquated societal pressure that somehow (how?!?!) still exists in 2019.
Sometimes There’s a Kink in the Link
And if, you don’t love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain
Fleetwood Mac
One common reason that can lead to cyber infidelity is the hidden interest of the unfaithful partner in a sexual kink or fetish. This is typically interest in a sexual behavior that is relatively unusual or uncommon. However, just because it may be uncommon doesn’t mean that there aren’t many people that share a particular kinky sexual interest. Sometimes interest in the particular kink can be obsessive and even to the exclusion of other more common sexual behaviors or of the partner unaware of the kink. Sometimes these interests are called paraphilias. In the past the professions of psychology and sex therapy tended to pathologize sexual interests that did not lie in the main stream. Over time, we have learned that many people enjoy a diversity of sexual interests. These interests do not suggest that people who engage in them are any less mentally healthy then people who do not. One way to think about it would be comparing it to dietary appetite. Palates vary tremendously among people. All of the food on a smorgasbord is not preferred by everyone. People have their favorite dishes. This is acceptable and considered normal. Unfortunately, at the dining table of human sexuality such acceptance is not the case. Historically, there has been much disapproval and even condemnation of other than main stream sexual interests and practices. This has had the effect of driving such sexual interests underground. Only in recent years have some of these sexual practices become less stigmatized. Portrayals in the popular media like 50 Shades of Grey have created some greater acceptance of kink–in this case bondage, domination, and sadomasochism (BDSM). Such media presentations have introduced kinky sex to many people but have also helped liberate those that have secretly held these interests and practices for a long time.
Because of the bias against kinky sex, people who have held such interests have historically gone underground. This of course was in order to avoid condemnation and even abuse. In the digital age, people with a particular sexual interest have been able to find community on the Internet. Others with similar interests have become accessible and relatively easily found. While that might be good news for people that have kinky sexual interests, it has too often been bad news for traditional relationships. In effect, because of the stigma associated with kinky sexual interests, the partner that had such an interest would normally hide it. Instead of risking criticism, condemnation, and even the loss of the primary love relationship, it would stay a dark secret. The expression of the sexual interest would find acceptance and expression on the Internet. Thus, this became a path to cyber infidelity. Once discovered, it would very often lead to a crisis in the relationship. Sometimes it leads to the end of the relationship.
The good news is that there is hope for the relationship that is dealing with the sudden discovery of a kinky interest of one of the partners and even its expression through secretive cyber infidelity. A professional trained in addressing the unique complexities of the situation can provide much needed help. This help cannot only save the relationship but also usher in a new phase that can restore trust and actually enhance the intimate connection. While it’s not easy, and rather emotionally challenging, the relationship can be saved and even enhanced. The treatment process involves many phases with the goal of restoring trust and improving open and honest intimate communication. Through application of the collaborative treatment model, joining the psychologist with the couple as a powerful treatment team, great progress can be achieved. There is hope. The kink does not have to break the link.
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