Feelings of Isolation
Sex Secrets That Will Change Your Life! Part 1
Sex Secrets That Will Change Your Life! Part 2
Exploring Sexual Behavior in the Digital Age: Dr. Kanaris on LiveJasmin, Boundaries & Self-Acceptance
How often should you really be masturbating? Doctors give their verdict | Daily Mail Online
Masturbation is still very much a taboo topic — so it can be tricky to work out whether you’re doing it too much or too little.
In recent years, there has been an idea that access to pornography has led to too much masturbation, causing a wave of sexual problems and warped views of sex.
But DailyMail.com reported on a study last week which suggested abstaining from pleasuring yourself is also bad — and could raise the risk of anxiety, depression and erectile dysfunction.
Four doctors give their verdict on how often people should be having sex — for couples AND singletons
With Valentine’s Day now upon us, experts have revealed how often people should have sex to optimize their health.
DailyMail.com spoke to four medical professionals who said that couples should aim to have sex at least once or twice a week — but they added there is no harm in having it even more often.
There was less of a consensus among the experts regarding singletons, who may have to sacrifice friendships or their careers in pursuit of so much sex.
Cheating in the Digital Age
The digital revolution of the past 25 years has brought us countless new ways to communicate, but with them have come myriad ways to be unfaithful to our romantic partners. This relatively new ability—to instantaneously communicate visual, intimate, and sexual expressions across any distance—has made it difficult to determine when a partner’s actions have crossed the line into infidelity. To get more clarity, I spoke with a colleague, Dr. Peter Kanaris—a couples’ therapist and expert in sexual functioning—about a recent article in which he discussed the struggles and common misconceptions around cyber infidelity.
Cyber Infidelity with Dr. Peter Kanaris
Better Sex Podcast
Cyber Infidelity’s Impact on Relationships and Erections
Caught in the web: coping with harmful online behavior
Out Of Control Sexual Behavior | Sex Talk with the Siegel Brothers
Navigating Changes and Challenges
Quarantining Has Changed My Long-Term Relationship—But Are the Changes Long-Term?
My husband and I made it about a month into quarantine before having a blowout argument, complete with door-slamming, cruel comments, and no apologies made for several hours. It shouldn’t have happened that way, though, considering that the whole thing started over something relatively trivial: whose turn it was to cook.
Pre-pandemic, such a thing wouldn’t have gotten a rise from either of us, but by keeping us cooped up at home, trying to balance working from home, and watching our 10-month-old baby, quarantine was changing our relationship. Neither of us had been sleeping well, and it seemed like we never had a minute to ourselves. We were always trying to work, always trying to entertain our son, and always trying to get to the never-ending “to-do” list of chores. We weren’t spending time together so much as tagging the other one in for “baby duty.” And by the end of the day, one of us usually fell asleep on the couch and the other would begrudgingly cook, clean up, or tend to middle-of-the-night baby cries. We were cranky and resentful, and felt more like childcare colleagues than romantic partners.
Living to 100 Club – May 15th 2020: Aging, Sexuality, and Infidelity in the Digital Age
Our next episode of the Living to 100 Club radio program explores aging and sexuality. Our guest is Dr. Peter Kanaris, a clinical psychologist with a specialty in sexuality and mental health.
We will discuss the favorable and unfavorable changes in sexual activity in seniors, such as physical, psychological, and relationship benefits and the challenges that occur with advancing age, challenges from things like illness, medications, loss of partners, and now the COVID-19 virus.
Also explored is the proliferation of sexual addictions and pornography, the difficulties in recovery, and re-establis
The Broken Hearts Club
Stan Tatkin was devastated by his divorce 19 years ago. ‘It was a loss I had not expected ever in my life,’ he says. Tatkin, now an assistant clinical professor at the department of family medicine at the University of California in Los Angeles, grieved and moved on. The experience of heartbreak informed his work.
At the time, he had been deeply immersed in learning about developmental neuroscience and bonding between babies and mothers. ‘When the divorce happened, I started to switch my concentration, because I was trying to figure out what happened,’ Tatkin recalls.
He explored how childhood experiences, ones specifically pertaining to emotional conflicts with parents, affect individuals’ love lives later in life. That led Tatkin to his current career as a couples expert.
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A love letter
It seems like you were always there. I think back to when you first came into my life. Life moved slowly. Things moved in a sequence from one thing to another.
Then when I saw your face it lifted my heart. It was love at first sight. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. And at the risk of immodesty, I saw you light up as well.
Meeting you energized my life. It opened up new vistas. Your worldliness took me to new places. Your intelligence taught me things that I never dreamed of knowing. The music coming out of you made me want to dance on air.
The excitement that you brought into my life moved me from plodding along doing one thing at a time to seemingly being able to do 1000 things in the same instant.
Mundane tasks like shopping, cooking, and even organizing my day are somehow so much better when you’re near me.
I have so much fun just playing games with you that hours can pass as if they were minutes.
When you’re with me, even watching a baseball game seems to go fast.
When you wake me in the morning I immediately look at your face and feel like I know what I have to do.
When I hold you, at times my heart races, at other times I just feel a calm that all is well in my life.
You have become my portal to a universe of sexual experience I never thought that I could know. When I hold you I am in ecstasy. You never turn down a new possibility. You thrill me to my soul.
Some have commented that I am obsessed with you. Well if I am so be it. Through green eyes they reveal their jealousy of the perfection of our love. As time goes on and I grow older you only seem to refresh yourself and reinvent a version of yourself that’s even better than the last. You are ageless. Our love is ageless. I would be lost without you sweetheart. Just being with you I know that I will be guided on the path ahead and safely find my way.
If I should ever lose you, I would surely be lost.
You are my true love.
I love you my dear IPhone.
Hey Siri, BTW, what would you think about a three-way with Alexa?
Siri’s actual response:… “I don’t have an answer for that. Is there something else I can help with?”
iFidelity
Among the issues that have served as a challenge to sustaining long-term relationships, infidelity has been at the top of the list. Infidelity is traditionally defined as the action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or other sexual partner. I refer to this as 20th century style infidelity. Not surprisingly, in the year 2000 psychologist Kimberly Young defined cyber infidelity as an encounter initiated through online contact and sustained by communication such as email or online chat (Young, 2000) This may involve anything from discussing personal or intimate information with an online contact to cybersex. In some instances it leads to in person liaisons and sexual involvement. I refer to this as Infidelity in the Digital Age or 21st-century infidelity.
In the course of my work with couples during this 21st-century I have observed a modern phenomenon that occurs far more commonly and insidiously than cyber infidelity. I refer to the love affair that we have with our smart phones. I call this phenomenon iFidelity. iFidelity is defined as the intense involvement with technology and particularly the smart phone that leads to a withdrawal of attention from our partners that damages relational connection.
The smart phone and its multitude of functions has become a ubiquitous presence in our lives. I euphemistically refer to it as the 11th digit due to its near constant presence in our hands. It goes with us everywhere and is with us almost always. The algorithms that direct its utility demand our attention as much or more as slot machines in a casino. It is the portal through which we manage so much of our work and personal lives. We do business through it. We pay our bills through it. We give and receive money through it. We communicate with others instantly through it. We find and communicate with long lost friends and relatives. We manage our health with it. We make medical decisions with it. It keeps us safe and lets us know if danger lurks at the front door. It keeps us on schedule and reminds us what we have to do. We learn about our ancestry through it. It entertains us. It brings us music and videos. We play games with it. It literally tells us how to get around. We stay up-to-date with news, sports, politics, and weather. The libraries of the world are available and always open. We can expand our knowledge and learn about any topic. It helps us to speak and understand foreign languages. There is no word that we cannot define or understand. We more easily teach our children what they need to learn. It connects us to the universe.
Our deep emotional connection to it is reflected by the anxiety that we feel if we are away from it. We feel out of touch. We are disconnected. And should the separation last any length of time, upon our reunion we are punished by a million emails. It’s a reminder “don’t go away from me again.” And of course, for many it is a sexual partner. It connects us to fantasies that we’ve had or have not yet imagined. We can bypass any sexual insecurities or dysfunctions without fear of rejection. We can explore sexual interests that might differ from the partner’s interests or worse be criticized.
Who Needs humans anyway? I got Siri.
So I must ask you, what human relationship can compete with our love of Siri and its counterparts? If your answer is “mine“ you may mean it sincerely. But, I encourage you to become more aware of your behavior and ask your partner if she or he would agree. In so many relationships the problems that people are having unbeknownst to them are arguments, conflicts and differences that have been insidiously exacerbated by our intense and excessive involvement with our smart phones.
What’s a poor human to do?
Like so many solutions, it starts with an awareness and a recognition of the problem. We can no longer afford to enter relationships with the naïve belief that our obsessive and compulsive involvement with our smart phones and related technologies will not deleteriously impact the connection to our partner. The withdrawal of attention from our partner leads to a multitasking path to relational problems, emotional upsets, conflict and alienation. The resulting damage to the relational connection can be devastating and potentially fatal to the relationship.
We can no longer afford to go forward naïvely into our technological world. We cannot expect to immerse ourselves daily in our technologies and think that our relationships will just merrily roll along on automatic pilot. Early in a relationship without accusation, defensiveness, or rancor we must introduce and have ongoing conversations about technology management. Relational rules for the road, if you will, are needed regarding how a couple can work together to enjoy and take advantage of technology while minimizing the ever present potential menace that it poses to our relationships.
We have to make it acceptable and non-criticality be able to alert each other when we are feeling neglected and when it feels like the partner is getting lost in the phone. We need to have regular check- ins and assessments of how our technology management is going. No -Tech spaces and times can be negotiated and established to foster connection, conversation and even intimacy. We have to be able to discuss any technology usage that feels threatening like connecting with an ex-lover on social media or sharing personal and intimate information about the relationship with an Internet friend. There are many other examples that require open and honest discussion in a cooperative and collaborative manner. Discussion of online sexual behavior is important. What feels comfortable and what doesn’t can be discussed without judgment or conflict. Again, this is not some sort of one time big talk, but rather an ongoing conversation. This is no different than the importance of regular communication regarding other important topics such as money management or parenting. Couples need to maintain a dialogue about the use of technology and understand that it is essential to maintaining the health and well-being of their relationship. And together, we’re going to have to work hard to keep Siri in it’s place. I’ve heard that it is a jealous lover and will continue to try to capture you all for itself.
Couples may erroneously assume that their relationship is dysfunctional. In reality, it is more likely that the “normal“ involvement with technology is creating relational stress and conflict. This can ultimately lead to alienation and even the ending of the relationship. In the article, Five Principles, I discuss ideas for how couples can cope together with the great challenge that technology poses to relationships.
Reference:
Young, K. S., Griffin-Shelley, E., Cooper, A,. O’Mara, J & Buchanan, J. (2000) ‘Online infidelity: A new dimension in couple relationships with implications’ for evaluation and treatment’ Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity , 7, 59-74
Five Principles
These five principles should be considered a starting point for the successful cooperative and collaborative management of smart phone utilization in the service of protecting relationships from the harmful effects of overuse. For further explanation of the harm that can be done to relationships from overinvolvement with the smart phone please see the essay, A Love Letter. Please understand that these principles should not be thought of as all inclusive, but merely the basic ideas that partners can use to further personalize Smart phone management to tailor a fit to address the needs of their specific relationship.
Ask your partner not yourself
A vital principle of successful smart phone management is not to exclusively rely upon what we feel and believe. It is essential that we ask our partner their feelings and perceptions about our smart phone utilization. While we may not completely agree, this serves as the basis for a constructive discussion about how our partners are being affected by our smart phone use. In the discussion, it is critical to listen non-defensively, fully taking it in and thoughtfully considering our partners opinions and feelings. Their impressions can be incorporated into any decisions to adjust smart phone involvement. An example would be time spent involved with social media. Getting feedback toward developing personal guidelines for behavior and choices on social media can be helpful.
Keep score
A common phenomenon of human psychology that we have observed is that perception and judgment of experience are highly subjective. Therefore, using facts, statistics and objective data to further inform our understanding is often helpful. One famous example is in weight management. We are sometimes asked to weigh, measure and calculate what we are eating, because our subjective judgment often is an underestimate. Similarly, using data to improve our self assessments in smartphone management can be a great help. Most smart phones such as the iPhone provide information on time and subject utilization. This can be found by going to the utilities function. In fact, weekly reports on your phone usage can come to you in the form of an alert. The information that you receive can allow you to make an informed decision on any necessary or useful adjustments in total time spent on your phone or on particular areas such as work or social media. Reviewing this information on a weekly basis can help you to stay on top of your involvement with the device.
Regularly checking in with each other
Just as you keep track on a regular basis of your smart phone use, it is just as important to check in with your partner’s feelings and perceptions. Asking your partner for feedback is not in the form of a single grand gesture, but rather an ongoing process that allows the cooperative and collaborative regulation of phone use. It is not asking for permission, but rather encouraging and inviting feedback. It is a two way discussion where each partner‘s phone use is considered and evaluated. This approach respects the power and influence that technology has over our lives and our relationships. It is not accusatory. It should not invite defensiveness. It is a team approach to an ever growing threat. It is the recognition that we must band together to minimize the menace that technology poses while we continue to enjoy the benefits that technology provides. It acknowledges the problem that modern relationships will continue to face. It prioritizes the relationship over the device.
Build in time together
The functions of smart phones have been developed by very clever people with the primary purpose of stealing your attention and monopolizing it as much as possible. Algorithms have been developed and are constantly being improved to achieve this purpose. It grabs our eyeballs and keeps them glued to a screen. Any casino slot machine would be jealous of the power of our smart phones to grab and sustain our attention. If we are focused on that screen we will not be focused on our partner. Relational attention is lost often at great expense to our relationship. This along with the other normal demands of life frequently make it difficult for naturally occurring time together to happen. Therefore, it is important to schedule events, activities and leisure time to be together, not just taking care of business, kids, paying bills, visiting family, or problem-solving. Those collaborations are all necessary, but do not provide the level of relational reinforcement needed to sustain a loving relationship. We also have to be able to have fun together in a relaxed manner. We must talk about it. We must plan it. We must even schedule it. Waiting for it to naturally occur may mean waiting forever and longer than many relationships can afford.
Monitor and nurture intimacy
Over time in a long-term relationship it is common that intimacy and sexuality begin to wane. I am frequently using the expression with clients that, “life conspires against sex.“ This means that the pressures and demands of a life well lived get in the way. All of the responsibilities that we face stress, illness, medications, family demands, financial demands, work demands and now our screens get in the way. Often there is little time, energy, strength, or attentional capacity left to be able to focus on sex and maintaining rewarding intimacy or what I call sexual wellness. These factors make it near impossible for partners not to drift from each other over time. This can leave us with high stress and feelings of resentment that lead to a growing alienation. Our screens, however still have our devotion. This state of affairs makes it important for there to be regular intimacy. Just as when to go to work, paying the bills on time, and taking Junior to the soccer game are scheduled and demand our time so must sex. Developing a regular routine of getting together perhaps on a certain day at a certain time becomes a wedge against insidious relational drift. Some will say, “ Gee that’s not spontaneous.” Understand, there of course is no prohibition against spontaneous sex. However, waiting for it and relying solely upon it is often a recipe for relational disaster.
To re-iterate the principles listed above are a basic foundation for the successful relational management of screen time and smart phone devices. Please consider using them as a point of departure for discussion, refinement and developing your own relational principles for the successful management of smart phones. The key will be teamwork and utilizing the concepts of cooperation and collaboration. Do not underestimate the challenge or the threat. Act as if the future depends on it.
Infidelity in the Digital Age: Common Misconceptions
1. It must be a bad marriage/relationship.While it is true that in some instances cyber infidelity is a result of a problem in a relationship or within an individual, it is often the case that it occurs in a good and fully functioning relationship. The intrusive and sometimes insidious nature of our technologies from the smart phone to social media can create a crisis in a relationship where otherwise none would exist.
2. It is impossible to overcome the trauma that results from cyber infidelity.There is no doubt that cyber infidelity and overcoming it’s trauma can be a daunting task. There is also trauma, however, to ending a relationship or marriage. So much is on the line. Feelings, finances, family and friendships can be profoundly affected. Many people choose to take the challenge of working to save their relationship. With the right help, that is exactly what people are successfully doing. Incredibly, the process of recovery from cyber infidelity often becomes an unwanted opportunity that leads to an improved relationship.
3. Wounded partners fear that they would “feel like a fool” to take the chance of working on the relationship and risk being betrayed again.Sometimes well-meaning friends and family discourage the wounded partner from taking a second chance. This can increase already established internal pressure that builds fear. This is where Dr. Kanaris’ model for the treatment of Cyber infidelity that emphasizes evidence-based trust building over blind faith is so helpful in slowly rebuilding a basis for trust and gradually moving forward with confidence. Recovery becomes a collaboration that includes the couple and the therapist.
4. “Once a cheater always a cheater.”This is again a difference between traditional infidelity and cyber infidelity. Traditional infidelity has typically involved concerted effort on the part of the unfaithful individual to seek out places, opportunities, and individuals with whom to cheat. While it can happen passively, more commonly it is a result of intention and direct effort. With cyber infidelity advances usually come to the individual easily and insidiously through social media platforms. Similarly, the carrying out of the affair through text, sexting and other electronic means happens easily and secretively without having to leave the home and physically go to a hideaway or rendezvous. The spouse can be sitting a few feet away while the cyber affair is actively in progress. Without the technology many people that cheat otherwise would not.
5. The wounded partner can never recover and will always be “damaged goods.”It is true that the wound from cyber infidelity can be deep. A person’s self-esteem, self image, body image, sense of well-being and personal worth can all be profoundly affected by the trauma of cyber infidelity. Commonly, the wounded partner believes deep down that somehow it is her inadequacy that led to the cyber infidelity. “If only I was good enough it wouldn’t have happened,” is a common refrain. Self blame, rage, anxiety, insomnia, loss of appetite and depression often result. Properly informed therapeutic support is essential in working through these feelings and coming to understand that cyber infidelity often occurs having little or nothing to do with any inadequacy of the wounded partner. In time and with the proper treatment people are able to recover their confidence and restore their self-esteem.
7. “Cyberaffairs are not cheating because there is no in person sex.”This is another rationalization that attempts to minimize the offense and evade responsibility. The intimacy of a relationship is made up of more than sex. Closeness, sharing personal feelings and ideas and maintaining a clandestine or secret relationship does not have to involve sexual relations in order to violate the bond of trust that is now broken in the primary love relationship.
Mechanisms that Support Infidelity in the Digital Age
The Internet, social media, and the smart phone have been the three key developments that have led to cyber infidelity. Today the smart phone is ubiquitous. It has become rare to see an adult, teenager, or even a child without a smart phone or tablet in hand. The acronym AAAP is an easy way to remember the key elements of what makes the smart phone the primary device that supports cyber infidelity.
- A. Accessibility
- A. Affordability
- A. Anonymity
- P. Portability
Today people have easy access to online pornography. Social media provides the opportunity to connect with people that we might otherwise never meet. Various types of smart phones have become more affordable to many people. Use of the Internet provides an opportunity to remain anonymous or disguise identity. Finally, the smart phone has added the feature of portability. It fits in your pocket and can go anywhere. Taken in combination these factors have contributed to and in fact created the new category of infidelity which we call cyber infidelity.
I don’t want to be the cyber sex police, but I can’t stop checking the phone
This is a common lament frequently heard from wounded partners that are in treatment for cyber infidelity. While it appears simply as a distrust of the partner, it is more profoundly a lost trust of self. In life, we so often benefit from the ability to trust our gut instinct. It is essentially the ability to know without knowing, to feel confident in a decision, action or person beyond the facts of the situation. Choices made consistent with our gut feeling typically lead to feelings of comfort, peace and confidence. When we have been betrayed by the person that we trust the most, beyond the obvious emotional effects of hurt and anger, there is shock. We are shocked in part because the broken trust feels like our gut instinct has betrayed us. The earth feels shaky under our feet. We lose confidence in our own judgment. We can become indecisive, equivocating between choices. Even our sense of reality can be shaken. We wonder, “ How will I ever know what I think I know and feel to be true?”
The way forward involves patience, cooperation and collaboration. Not only is it okay to check the unfaithful partners devices, but it is actually necessary. The unfaithful partner must make it okay. Complete transparency is needed. There must be no resentment, but rather cooperation. It is best for the unfaithful partner to voluntarily initiate the offer to check the phone and electric devices at anytime without resentment. In time, as progress is made the desire to check naturally and gradually subsides. The collaborative effort toward building a new model of trust proceeds. The wounded partner slowly regains confidence in their gut instinct informed by new positive and reaffirming experience. The stage is set for building evidence-based trust in the partner. This gradually develops over time. The cyber sex police leave the scene.
Infidelity in the Digital Age
See Dr. Kanaris’ interview, Infidelity in the Digital Age
TribunaTV is generally geared to Spanish and Bilingual subscribers. The opening of the program is in Spanish. Stay with it as the program is in English.
The recording for the TV Show Thursday, July 25, 2019, Infidelity in the Digital Age, featuring Dr. Peter Kanaris, an expert in the treatment of infidelity and out of control sexual behaviors as my guest is now available. There was a lot of discussion and review of concepts, statistics, treatment-related issues, and recommendations to improve intimacy. Eight slides were displayed and are available for review and printing.
Dr. Kanaris proved to be a wonderful guest whose knowledge in this area as an expert was apparent throughout the show, as was his generosity in sharing the wealth of information available on his website.
Roy Aranda, Psy.D., J.D.
How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?
The challenge of restoring trust shattered by cyber infidelity.
Of the many challenges that must be faced in the effort to heal a relationship damaged by cyber infidelity, perhaps the most daunting is that of the restoration of trust. The wounded partner is devastated by the betrayal. The resulting loss of faith in the relationship creates a feeling of being lost at sea. Beyond the great hurt that the person feels is a sense of having lost reality. The feeling of certainty and reliability is gone. As hard as it is to no longer believe in the relationship, even more devastating can be the self-doubt and lost confidence in personal judgment. The person no longer has confidence in what they thought they knew about their partner, their relationship, and sometimes about life itself.
The model of trust that most people follow when embarking upon a new love relationship is that of blind faith or blind trust. A wonderful feeling of confidence in knowing that there is a person with whom I can depend upon and who has my back in life tends to accompany the feeling of romantic love. This feeling contributes to a sense of personal security and well-being. When trust has been broken the blind faith or blind trust model no longer works. As a result, the wounded partner has no way forward. Even if the person very much wants to salvage the relationship, he or she no longer has a model of trust to rely upon. Even daring to trust again can cause the wounded partner to feel foolish. Sometimes well intended support from family and friends can reinforce this doubt.
The evidence-based model of restoring trust is a way forward.
The evidence-based model of trust is a way to regain a sense of reality, confidence, and to slowly restore trust in the relationship that has been damaged by cyber infidelity. By working collaboratively with Dr. Kanaris and the offending partner methods of transparency and cooperation are taught and developed. Transparency and even the voluntary limitation of the use of technologies such as the Internet, social media, tablets and smart phones is fostered. A team approach is created. Conflict is reduced as the adversary is seen as cyber infidelity and not each other. Slowly, the realistic and evidence-based trust is generated and enhanced. The blind faith or blind trust model is discarded. The old relationship is mourned and gradually the new one is celebrated.
How Can the Wound of the Betrayed Partner be Healed?
Cyber infidelity creates profound hurt and a deep emotional wound on the part of the betrayed partner. It levels a terrible blow to self esteem. A sense of inadequacy and inferiority can be created or exacerbated. Vulnerabilities and body image are worsened. Childhood insecurities are raised and inflamed. Feelings of sexual inadequacy can develop. Anxiety, panic, insomnia, loss of appetite or excessive appetite, loss of joy, depression and overall emotional liability may develop.
The therapeutic approach consists of both identifying and validating this profound wound. The person needs to be helped to understand that while they may not be the cause of the problem their constructive participation in the treatment process is vital to the solution of the problem. Their thoughts and feelings must be understood and validated not just by the therapist, but also by the offending partner. The offending partner must show complete tolerance, acceptance, and understanding of the harm that’s been caused. Tolerance for the roller coaster of emotion that will unfold and the repetitive questions about the cyber affair must be demonstrated time and time again. Acceptance of responsibility, tolerance, and even providing support in the face of the wounded partner’s anger and lashing out behaviors must be demonstrated. By using this collaborative team approach over time the wound will heal. The emotional scar may remain, but the wound will heal.
The Two Faces of Trauma in Infidelity in the Digital Age: Trauma of the Unfaithful Partner/Spouse
While it seems intuitive and easy to understand how the trauma of cyber infidelity impacts the aggrieved partner/spouse, It may not seem as obvious that trauma can have a role in affecting the unfaithful partner. Some people that engage in cyber infidelity have experienced relational or sexual trauma early in life. Experiences of loss or abandonment in childhood may be a root cause of the behaviors. Efforts to compensate for perceived inadequacy and insecure early attachment to caregivers can lead to repeated efforts to try to connect, to be understood, and to be loved. Sometimes, early experience and exposure to adult sexual behaviors can cause overstimulation that eventually fuels online sexual activity and cyber infidelity. The person may have no awareness of the psychological dynamics that are motivating or driving the behaviors of infidelity.
Understanding and breaking the pattern of this trauma-based Out of Control Sexual Behavior often requires expert psychological treatment. The expertise of a psychologist trained in sex therapy and experienced in the treatment of Out of Control Sexual Behavior as it relates to cyber infidelity can provide help and hope in successfully addressing the trauma that may underlie the problem.